Welcome to the paradox

So maybe I am crazy.

Kathryn — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 09:33:36 +0000

I’m wondering how vague I can be whilst still maintaining the truth of my thoughts… I want so desperately to tell someone everything, but noone wants to hear it. Or maybe I don’t want anyone to hear it, maybe I’m happy being a mess.

Trust again.

Kathryn — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 08:24:28 +0000

Brenton asked me once before if I trusted him to make a decision for me. I trust him, I just like to be in control. Fi asked me the same thing the other day. I had no choice but to trust her, I can’t trust myself.

Memory

Kathryn — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 08:22:12 +0000

I’ve been forgetting again, just my life, nothing important. I want to be ok, really I do, but it is so hard to stand up when I’ve fallen so far. I want to love the Father, I want to be set free, but all I can do is sit here and dream. I can’t remember today, I can’t remember me. I wonder why it is so hard to imagine being free.

Maybe I like to be here.

McDonalds

Kathryn — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 06:59:19 +0000

Well it has been a little while since I last posted on my blog… I’ve acquired some new technology which means that right now I am sitting in McDonalds in Vermont south connected to a nintendo ds lite and able to blog whilst out and about. It is handy as I don’t have an internet connection at home… Someone asked me if my recent bad mood was a result of my living situation… I wanted so badly to tell that personwhat ws going on for me, but I’m too afraid of the consequences of sharing that knowledge with him. I went and saw liam today… wonder why I ever thought that was a good idea… Well I’m going to go and do something usefull with the rest of my day…

“I always make sense, you just listen intermittently”

Kathryn — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 23:06:37 +0000

Do you ever wonder if the colours you see are the same as the ones everyone else sees?

There’s a uniqueness about humans that both confuses and fascinates me.

Trust

Kathryn — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 06:50:30 +0000

“Do you trust me?”

He seriously has to ask that? He’s right though. Do I actually trust him to make a desicion for me? I know it would be out of love, and it would never be to hurt me. I trust that he would make a good choice, but I don’t know if I want that.

I just had a thought cross my mind, that I don’t want to be real anymore, I want to live in the happy fake world you create when you ignore all your problems. But I know that I can’t.

I’ve been trying to be real for so long, and every step of the path feels like someone is simultaneously killing me and blessing me. Around each corner is a new attack, and also the opportunity of a new revelation, I’m excited by new revelations from God, but I’m afraid of the pain involved in receiving them. I wonder if I haven’t learnt my lesson yet, if there is something I haven’t done that I ought to be doing. I wonder also if there is something I have done that I am being punished for. But then I remember that God is gracious and forgiving and I have asked for forgiveness for all I have done knowingly and unknowingly. So I remain confused. Am I forgiven? Should I know the answer?

Is it perhaps that I have not yet forgiven myself?

I’m not who I thought I was.

Kathryn — Tue, 29 May 2007 04:05:58 +0000

I thought I was ok, but I realised that I hate me. I get angry at my flaws yet do nothing to ammend the mistakes I make. I get depressed by my lack of confidence and that only causes more depression… How do I not hate me? How do I believe all the things that God thinks of me. How can I love others when I can’t love me.
How can I look after another person when I can’t even look after me… or wont…

“Magical wonders are to behold when you enter!”

Kathryn — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 01:03:24 +0000

All too often the world tells us that if we go inside the candy cave we’ll see awesome things, only to prove to us that when we actuall do follw peer pressure we get hurt and broken. Charlie the unicorn is hilarious.

Shaking off the dust.

Kathryn — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 02:45:31 +0000

My hands and feet have been too still, they’ve gathered possibly even more dust then this keyboard, (which has not been used for at least 6 months). Recent class and small group discussions and current events in my life have prompted me to realise that I have been on the whole, inactive.

Hearing Stephen Said talk about community again scared me out of my apathy with the realisation that my life needs some serious realignment with it’s origional purpose. He asked us what had inspired, frightened and angered us during his ‘lecture’. The answer was me, and my interaction with the world.

Inspired that despite my insufficiencies God demands that I be utilised in the bringing about of his kingdom.

Frightened by the prospect of fully engaging in true community.

Angered by my personal lack of engagement with kingdom living.

I have been increasingly convicted that now it is time to grow, now it is time to act…

It’s all well and good to connect your head to your heart, but if you never connect your hands to your beliefs then you will never move. It has been time, for a long time, for me to shake off the dust and start walking again.

Are there any plans?

Kathryn — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 07:51:06 +0000

Plan! I need a plan!