Trust
“Do you trust me?”
He seriously has to ask that? He’s right though. Do I actually trust him to make a desicion for me? I know it would be out of love, and it would never be to hurt me. I trust that he would make a good choice, but I don’t know if I want that.
I just had a thought cross my mind, that I don’t want to be real anymore, I want to live in the happy fake world you create when you ignore all your problems. But I know that I can’t.
I’ve been trying to be real for so long, and every step of the path feels like someone is simultaneously killing me and blessing me. Around each corner is a new attack, and also the opportunity of a new revelation, I’m excited by new revelations from God, but I’m afraid of the pain involved in receiving them. I wonder if I haven’t learnt my lesson yet, if there is something I haven’t done that I ought to be doing. I wonder also if there is something I have done that I am being punished for. But then I remember that God is gracious and forgiving and I have asked for forgiveness for all I have done knowingly and unknowingly. So I remain confused. Am I forgiven? Should I know the answer?
Is it perhaps that I have not yet forgiven myself?
January 1, 2010 at 5:22 pm
I love your style of writing. It’s absolutely fascinating, like you don’t put your thoughts in your posts, you put your posts in your thoughts.