So maybe I am crazy.

I’m wondering how vague I can be whilst still maintaining the truth of my thoughts… I want so desperately to tell someone everything, but noone wants to hear it. Or maybe I don’t want anyone to hear it, maybe I’m happy being a mess.

Trust again.

Brenton asked me once before if I trusted him to make a decision for me. I trust him, I just like to be in control. Fi asked me the same thing the other day. I had no choice but to trust her, I can’t trust myself.

Memory

I’ve been forgetting again, just my life, nothing important. I want to be ok, really I do, but it is so hard to stand up when I’ve fallen so far. I want to love the Father, I want to be set free, but all I can do is sit here and dream. I can’t remember today, I can’t remember me. I wonder why it is so hard to imagine being free.

Maybe I like to be here.

McDonalds

Well it has been a little while since I last posted on my blog… I’ve acquired some new technology which means that right now I am sitting in McDonalds in Vermont south connected to a nintendo ds lite and able to blog whilst out and about. It is handy as I don’t have an internet connection at home… Someone asked me if my recent bad mood was a result of my living situation… I wanted so badly to tell that personwhat ws going on for me, but I’m too afraid of the consequences of sharing that knowledge with him. I went and saw liam today… wonder why I ever thought that was a good idea… Well I’m going to go and do something usefull with the rest of my day…

“I always make sense, you just listen intermittently”

Do you ever wonder if the colours you see are the same as the ones everyone else sees?

There’s a uniqueness about humans that both confuses and fascinates me.

Trust

“Do you trust me?”

He seriously has to ask that? He’s right though. Do I actually trust him to make a desicion for me? I know it would be out of love, and it would never be to hurt me. I trust that he would make a good choice, but I don’t know if I want that.

I just had a thought cross my mind, that I don’t want to be real anymore, I want to live in the happy fake world you create when you ignore all your problems. But I know that I can’t.

I’ve been trying to be real for so long, and every step of the path feels like someone is simultaneously killing me and blessing me. Around each corner is a new attack, and also the opportunity of a new revelation, I’m excited by new revelations from God, but I’m afraid of the pain involved in receiving them. I wonder if I haven’t learnt my lesson yet, if there is something I haven’t done that I ought to be doing. I wonder also if there is something I have done that I am being punished for. But then I remember that God is gracious and forgiving and I have asked for forgiveness for all I have done knowingly and unknowingly. So I remain confused. Am I forgiven? Should I know the answer?

Is it perhaps that I have not yet forgiven myself?

I’m not who I thought I was.

I thought I was ok, but I realised that I hate me. I get angry at my flaws yet do nothing to ammend the mistakes I make. I get depressed by my lack of confidence and that only causes more depression… How do I not hate me? How do I believe all the things that God thinks of me. How can I love others when I can’t love me.
How can I look after another person when I can’t even look after me… or wont…

“Magical wonders are to behold when you enter!”

All too often the world tells us that if we go inside the candy cave we’ll see awesome things, only to prove to us that when we actuall do follw peer pressure we get hurt and broken. Charlie the unicorn is hilarious.

Shaking off the dust.

My hands and feet have been too still, they’ve gathered possibly even more dust then this keyboard, (which has not been used for at least 6 months). Recent class and small group discussions and current events in my life have prompted me to realise that I have been on the whole, inactive.

Hearing Stephen Said talk about community again scared me out of my apathy with the realisation that my life needs some serious realignment with it’s origional purpose. He asked us what had inspired, frightened and angered us during his ‘lecture’. The answer was me, and my interaction with the world.

Inspired that despite my insufficiencies God demands that I be utilised in the bringing about of his kingdom.

Frightened by the prospect of fully engaging in true community.

Angered by my personal lack of engagement with kingdom living.

I have been increasingly convicted that now it is time to grow, now it is time to act…

It’s all well and good to connect your head to your heart, but if you never connect your hands to your beliefs then you will never move. It has been time, for a long time, for me to shake off the dust and start walking again.

Are there any plans?

Plan! I need a plan!

AH!

There is no word,

Don’t look at me that way!

There is no word,

I have nothing to say,

My actions have to speak for me,

Take it all,

Help me be free,

There is no word,

Don’t look at me that way,

There is no word,

For what I have to say.

So, It’s been a while.

Do we ever ask for this?

For the answers yes, but this,

is the only time I’ve ever

seen anything so sad,

how can we go on?

knowing we are wrong,

how can we go on?

failing to be strong,

And I know you asked for me,

but I can’t ever ever see,

how you conceive to be,

anything of worth,

how can we go on?

knowing we are wrong,

how can we go on?

failing to be strong,

get your head out of the sand,

lift your eyes,

please understand,

theres no time for making friends,

when we’re all heading for dead ends,

how can we go on with this?

how can we go on?

we all know we’re heading for a fall.

Service

People keep saying I’m good at serving. Personal opinion: I’m a hopeless case.

I thought about serving alot today, and why i do it.

Conclusion: I do things because I know how good it feels not to have to do them.

update

so, it’s been a while since i have posted… so this is just an update…

I’m living in Blackburn North at the moment…

I’m very excited about tabor and youth group this year…

I’m not at all excited about this computer keyboard making me type everything twice because the keys don’t work…

I’m sleepy… I slept in this morning… bad idea…

well, there you have it, the update… I promise to post something meaningful later this week when i am on a better computer… here check this out, i will type the same thing normally without fixing the mistakes that the computer does when it misses keys…

well thr yu hve it,teudte… I promst pot smethinmaningful latr this week wniamn a bttecmputer…

from God with love.

She knows she has been given life, so why does she not want it? She knows she has been given forgiveness, so why does she not take it?

It is far easier, in her mind, to live in the pain and terror of her own failings than to ever seek to move beyond. How can she live this way?

Hell confuses and manipulates her, she cannot run tonight. The enemies surround her and she considers fighting. But still she is weak, she does not draw on God when others claim that he so willingly offers protection. Suffocated by fear she cries out in her mind.

What will hell do to her tonight? What pain will she allow it to inflict?

Why does she cry herself to sleep and pray that she might die?

 .

I am so very tired, I’m sorry my thoughts are not more cheerful… It was my birthday today that is apparently a happy thing

mission … ?

Scripture Union Family Mission…. an interesting experience… 12 days in portland, lots of sun, smiling kids, crazy team members and fun… This whole telling you what happened thing isn’t going to happen this time because there is just too much to tell… and not all of it is positive so i choose not to share it…

sorry….

I know I said I wouldn’t be posting again until I got back but i haven’t left yet and I wanted to share another thought with you… I hope you don’t mind…

do you know what it is to be real?

have you seen what you look like underneath?

is this all we are?

is this where we’re going?

is this all that it can ever be?

do you want what you’re looking for?

do you even know what it is?

it will find you,

and then you will see,

it will hunt you down,

so forget about me,

this is the answer,

to your dream,

the meaning,

of your life,

it will find you,

and then you will see,

it will hunt you down,

so forget about me,

I have no right to cry,

other people need me,

and i’m struggling to be strong,

wait a minute,

just hold on,

what is that you came for?

what’s in this song?

do you know what it is to be real?

have you seen what you look like underneath?

is this all we are?

is this where we’re going?

is this all that it can ever be?

do you want what you’re looking for?

do you even know what it is?

it will find you,

and then you will see,

it will hunt you down,

so forget about me,

do you want what you’re looking for?

do you even know what it is?

do you?

do you want what you’re looking for?

So this is where we are is it?

I like cluedo, it makes me think and it isn’t like other games where if you work out the key you can always win, it is always different. I think I might buy it one day. Or just make my own… it is surprisingly simple.

I’m going away soon, for nearly two weeks, so this will be my last post for a while. When I get back it will be my birthday… apparently that is something to celebrate…

In the mean time I will leave you all with a song…

who are we, today?

where are we, tonight?

look back, what is gone?

look ahead, what is to come?

can’t go back to where we were,

don’t want to go forward,

can’t go back to who we were,

don’t want to step forward,

what are we doing here?

where did the smile go?

pain and tears, what is it for?

how can we step out of here?

moving forward, we stumble,

moving back, we slip and fall,

lift your eyes and see the light?

look ahead, what is it for?

can’t go back to where we were,

don’t want to go forward,

can’t go back to who we were,

afraid of what’s ahead.

Orphans, hell and choices.

She feels so alone, deserted by her god. She stands between the orphan and hell. Which way to turn? Which way to run?

He looks at her with his beautiful eyes and tries to ask her why, but his afliction makes it hard for him to say. She tries to understand him, but her own imperfections cause miscommunication.

Hell looks at her with fury and tries to burn her heart. She cries in her mind and looks back at the boy. He struggles to stand and she steadies his arm. Why will noone help this boy? She wonders why this has come to her.

The girl looks up at hell as it towers high above her. Inside her head she screams and panic fills her eyes with tears. She isn’t strong. She tries to get away. What did she do wrong? Why is the punishment so harsh? The orphan looks at the crying girl and wonders why it is this way. Why has this come to him? He is simple and becomes confused and begins to turn away. Hell reaches past the crying girl and snatches up the boy. The girl looks on with sorrow and a long harboured confusion. Hell will not harm the orphan, he is strong and has not sinned.

Why is hell so harsh for her, why does it taunt her so? She can run to safety, to the arms of her god, but she isn’t sure she trusts him. She can stay and help the orphan and live in fear of hell. What kind of choice is this? To leave the ones she loves to fend for themselves, or to save herself from the pain? What kind of choice is this?

There are many people in this world faced with terrifying decisions everyday, why does the girl take so long to simply save her life? She wonders if it is worth being saved.

Being an idiot, and a selfish one at that.

cried a lot today… I got a lift home from work with rudi… didn’t stay there long… saw my brother… didn’t even get changed… I ran to church… saw someone I should have said something to and didn’t… watched that someone leave and then messaged them… I’m inconvenient… it’s true… I should stay in my own little box and not try to invite others in… so i will stop this now and not blog about me anymore (for a while).

Paranoia

So I got my Probationary License today… Haven’t been out driving on my own yet (legally) so that’ll be fun…

Wondering if it would be terribly tragic if I were to sleep out doors tonight, the weather is rather unpredictable these days…

I’ve been thinking about some stuff lately, i might share it tomorrow, or the next day… after I’ve had some sleep…

Beautiful things…

How can you look at anything in nature and not see God’s amazing work? He’s flipping awesome!

formatting!

how do I make it so there’s a gap between the verses in my songs? I try to leave a blank line but it always gets eaten… help?

more of the partial Lyrics (04/12/06 Update)

These are my ‘alternate’ lyrics to a song we sing at church… But only for the verses currently… more will follow…

Although it is hard to understand,

To reach out and take the fathers hand,

We walk in the footprints of our God,

Lift up our eyes to see the king,

His power and glory will be seen,

In this life if we can follow Him,

I can feel something in the air,

The spirit of God is surely here,

As the whole world cries out to Him, 

We see that His heart is filled with grace,

He says He will forgive our mistakes,

So His light can shine apon the world,

Being still when life wants to do 90

Why is it so hard for some people to slow down? Why is it so hard for others to keep up?

The world is rather twisted and has manipulated people into following it’s patterns.

We weren’t made for this.

This pace of life is something only the elite can handle, and only for a short period of time. The slower beings in this world do not survive much more than a moment and are quickly forgotten by those who pass them by.

We weren’t made for this.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t be busy, just that people shouldn’t be busy with useless activity. If the only activities that were occuring in the world were those that are the will of God, would the playing field be level?

The cliff

the darkness consumes me,

my thoughts,

my feelings,

my fears,

can it really conquer?

will i really fall?

step out,

no resistance,

my thoughts,

my feelings,

my fears,

will i really fall?

catch me?

don’t?

salvation?

restoration?

where are you?

my thoughts,

my feelings,

my fears,

can I really be free?

will I walk tall?

how to be,

the one you call me to be.

Week 18

so… pretty tired… apparently thats a medical condition for me now

Handed in my last assignments this morning… saw rowie on my way out…

People that made me smile this week:

Matty (my little brother) – For coming out with me on tuesday… or was it wednesday…

Beth (YITS) – for being genuinely beautiful and reminding me that God is creator.

Brenton (OCC) – for making me actually hear what is said about me.

Rowan (YITS) – for impersonating his son.

Tim (OCC) – for doing that thing with his face when things don’t make sense.

Peta (BHS) – for not caring that I love God more than I love her.

Soan (BHS) – for committing to her course for next year.

Rachel(CP) – for being so enthusiatic about sharing her things with sam.

Dean (YITS) – for listening to me (reading my post).

It feels good to not have any homework to do right now. I’d feel better but I ate some bad food yesterday and I’m sick and tired… and not looking forward to working 9-6 tommorrow and having to get up extra early to vote beforehand…

I don’t know who to vote for!!! I don’t like politics… is it ok to vote for noone?

Thoughts…

On my long train trip I did a lot of thinking… and a bit of messaging… i found out that my sms’s mostly arrived at their destination the next day and so were far less affective than I had hoped.

     So I sit here,

     facing away from all my fear,

     hoping with all my heart,

     that it would disappear,

     so that it would set me free,

     free for freedom,

     not for fear,

     free for freedom,

     not for me,

     and so I pray here,

     watching time slip by,

     hoping with all my heart,

     that they won’t watch me cry,

     so that I could be free,

     free for freedom,

     not for fear,

     free for freedom,

     not for me,

     not for me.

Other painful thoughts and songs followed on from there until I broke down and cried… I think I was at mitcham station when I cracked… and then I got angry at myself…

     It wasn’t fair,

     It wasn’t how I wanted it to be,

     But this is the way,

     this is the way things turn out,

     this is how it goes,

     so I wont hold on,

     I wont hold on so tight,

     because what i hold,

     just turns to sand,

     and slips away from me,

     I don’t want this,

     I didn’t ask for you,

     but I have you,

     and you have me,

     and so I’ll see,

     If I can help us through.

Thursday

Anglesea to Lilydale… how many hours? about 3… ridiculous.

Prayer before i left, that was nice…

Late for the funeral… but I made it…

I promise I’ll post the songs and stuff I wrote on the train later today….

YITS end of year camp: Day 3.

From my journal:

‘So this is it? nothing lasts forever, don’t hold on too tight, just don’t fight, sand is not the game.’

The last day for me with the yitsers, tears and laughter, insanity and fear. Demons? what was that? How do we progress?

Out of the familiar confusion and into the unknown.

YITS end of year camp: Day 2.

From my journal:

‘I can’t have my phone! I can’t! It’s a temptation that only brings pain. Where there was joy and life only darkness dwells. Where there was healing I see only pain. I can’t be here! I hate me. Why aren’t I with my family? Family. A positive, encouraging, loyal, supportive community. That’s not what I have there. It’s what I have with God, but it is so much more than that. But my family need encouragement, positivity, loyalty and support. From me. The cliff. It would be so simple for me. So destructive to so many.’

YITS end of year camp: Day 1.

Best sleep ever in rudi’s car on the way up. So much food. Beth is so beautiful, I wish I could describe her with words but she truly is beyond my vocabulary.

Unhelpful, rude, horrible, unhelpful minister. As if you say that stuff to grieving relatives! The minister from the scout group said horrible things to my mother and her family… I wished I wasn’t at camp so that I could go slap him.

The cliff is amazing. It would be so simple to just step out and fall, who needs me to be here? who needs me? 

Affirmations… why is it so freaking hard to accept what people say? I wonder if we can ever believe positive things about ourselves without twisting and distorting their nature or without becoming self-centred and proud.

People suck, but for some reason God still loves them and I still care.

Scientific reasoning can’t bridge this gap.

Got the train from Geelong to Lilydale for the funeral on thursday. Missed the last day of YITS camp…

I’m too tired to post properly now, and I have 5 assignments to finish by friday… so I will tell you all about camp after this week… I got a job at Kmart, did I tell you? I worked 9-6 today… going to bed now…

I’d love to know who reads this so please leave a comment.

Update…

Anyone want to know what goes on in my life?

Wednesday night we had the YITS formal, the committee for it did an awesome job… when I went home I got told that my Aunty Liza had had a heart attack and that it was pretty bad and she was in hospital… Friday night dad rang me at youth group to say she’d got worse and he rang me during our leaders meeting to say that she’d died.

She had three kids, Ryan (17), Tim(10) and Jake (9). One of her cats is living with us now… BJ… my cat Ginger doesnt like it at all…

Other stuff… Two of our youth group girls, Abbey and Chrissy, went up the front at church… it was so beautiful the way their friends all gathered around them after… *sigh*…

Time to Build…. unsure about the phrase “sold out to the vision”… does that make them “sell outs”?

Kingdom of God.

The kingdom of God is like a needle in a haystack, in some ways it is similar to the world but in drastic ways it is different also. It can be hard to find, but you defintely know when it has pierced you.

We had Steph for our youth leaders meeting tonight. He was great, it didn’t matter that I’d heard it before it was great to reflect on it in the context of youth ministry. I love stories and tangents and controversy.

Righteousness/Justice, peace and joy. Where are these things already growing in our ministry? Where can they be furthered? and where can they be planted?

I think it’s important that as ‘leaders’ we are continually seeking to align our lives with God’s will and engaging the youth within our lives. The program isn’t the only way to teach them about the call to build the kingdom, and I’m pretty darn sure it shouldn’t be the first way we go about it.

Don’t fear shadows, fear what is beneath them…

Carry on with your own thoughts,

Don’t let the powers use their force,

Lurkers lurk and hurters hurt,

But you have all the time to work out what is wrong,

Why you hide,

Why you lie,

Why you want to die,

The shadows call you on,

Don’t give in,

Don’t give in,

They don’t want you,

They can’t haunt you,

Carry on and don’t fall down,

Run as fast as you possibly can,

Carry on within your fear,

Stretch it,

Shape it,

Take it,

Break it,

Carry on and run away,

The shadows don’t want you,

The only want to come and play,

And cover over the few,       Things in this world,

That want to hurt you,

The sharp and dangerous things that lurk,

beneath the shadowed place,

so carry on and run away,

the shadows come to play,

but the dangers hiding underneath,

they may want to stay.

What did I find in the pain?

Numbness Vs Caring.

Caring has to win. Doesn’t it?

The pain shows me reality, I’d rather see and feel truth than live in a self constructed half-reality where i don’t feel but i see. If you’ve ever felt anything I don’t think it’s possible to live in a numb and empty place without knowing that reality is still… well… real. (I don’t know if I am making much sense).

Is it worth finding reality? Definitely. Why? Because you aren’t the only thing affected by your displacement of feeling.

Metaphors…

I got very philisophical this afternoon inside my own head… I also got a very interesting letter today… it seems to imply that I will have some finacial difficulties in the next little while… ah well…

Choosing not to hide was a huge step today…. “don’t start the year playing cat and mouse”… I didn’t overtly try to be honest, I just tried not to hide… it was interesting… I’ve been trying all week… I went a bit nuts yesterday and decorated stuff… forgiveness was a bit overwhelming…

Motivations…. If I thought there was more than a 30% chance that I wanted to do Y2 to hang on to yits… or ‘hide in yits’ as rowie put it… I would not have even bothered talking to him about it… I decided at the start of the year that I was not going to get attached to this… This is a temporary environment…. I know that… I have done a lot of thinking about why I would want to do it… and then a lot of praying… God is frustrating… Is it wierd that I feel like i can just have normal conversations with him? is that a construct of my mind attempting to maintain a connection that doesnt really exist? I hope not. I hope it’s ok to just alk with God…

Silence….

So we went on our silent retreat on saturday… it was kinda painful.. kinda intresting… frustrating… good… and bad…

I found quite a lot of metaphors in nature during my silence…

I will blog about some of them later if you’d like.

It was awkward to come back to blackburn after being somewhere so quiet… it was uncomfortable…

But I feel better today than I did yesterday… so that could be a good thing…

Memories

Madness… thinking the same thing over and over again…

Trapped in a horrible replay of my past.

I’ve seen a fair amount of dodgy, sad stuff happen to my friends over the years… much of it has affected me in significant ways.

Some memories manage to maintain a fear that I need to escape. A fear of being true to myself. A fear of taking risks. A horrible fear of traffic. Tonights escapades did not help. I don’t think Brenton realised. When Mark pretended to walk infront of BK’s car tonight it was as though someone had stabed me. Pain and fear came rushing into my mind.

On Monday I was stuck in a loop… we were in the city… First of all the city is claustrophobic and noisy… Secondly there are a lot of cars in the city…

So began the cycle… the first thought is Cheree… The music plays, she’s laughing, singing off key just to make me smile… she’s beautiful… we’re at rovers, she dances… she’s so talented… but so sad… In Pierre’s back room… after rehersal… tears… she doesnt have a family…. The music is so strong here…. so strong….  I can’t play anymore… I don’t have time to give it my all… It’s making me dangerous…. She can’t stand it… I say I’ll try to keep singing… she smiles… we laugh…. Katherine is gone…. I can’t do this anymore!…. we go to the city to have some hang time… I tell them I quit…. Cheree cries… she screams and she cries…. I want to be free!… she wants community…. I can’t give it to her!…. She tells me she hates me…. that I was the only one who loved her…. She walks away…. A crash…. one car hits the back of the front one as it collides with Cheree…. silence…. noone knows what to do…. noone knows what to say…. Pierre looks at me as though I am evil… I feel like I am…. What did I do? …. What did I do….

That is the scene that replays in my head when I go to the city… some days I can ignore it… other days it is too strong…. Monday was breaking point…. Being in a cage…. so much noise… so little space…. cars…. drugs…. the music was gone…. I needed it that day….. the day I gave it away…. I needed it….

 sorry that was a little heavy…. I’m gonna go cry for a bit now….

So… Monday hey….

Do you want to know what make me crazy? Do you really want to know what I see? Can you handle the scene that replays itself over and over in my mind?

I don’t handle it too well.

If you really want to know, I’m ready to tell you. Just ask me. 

i don’t want to be part of this fight, but it appears inescapable…

“As soon as your born they make you feel small,
By giving you no time instead of it all,
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all,
A working class hero is something to be,
A working class hero is something to be.
They hurt you at home and they hit you at school,
They hate you if you’re clever and they despise a fool,
Till you’re so fucking crazy you can’t follow their rules,
A working class hero is something to be,
A working class hero is something to be.
When they’ve tortured and scared you for twenty odd years,
Then they expect you to pick a career,
When you can’t really function you’re so full of fear,
A working class hero is something to be,
A working class hero is something to be.
Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV,
And you think you’re so clever and classless and free,
But you’re still fucking peasents as far as I can see,
A working class hero is something to be,
A working class hero is something to be.
There’s room at the top they are telling you still,
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill,
If you want to be like the folks on the hill,
A working class hero is something to be.
A working class hero is something to be.
If you want to be a hero well just follow me,
If you want to be a hero well just follow me.”

- Working Class Hero – John Lennon.

what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling… just write don’t think.

tired, throat sore, embaressed, confused. why? why would i let it happen again? I really need to talk to bk… I really need to talk with rowan… without distancing myself… talk like i do with bk… It’s important… that much is obvious…. I will try….

I will blog again later….

tomorrow perhaps I will feel differently…

Falling fast and I can’t get up,

Where have you gone?

Talking fast and it won’t shut up,

How can it go on?

I’m waiting,

I’m waiting for you,

I’m crying,

I’m crying to you,

Darkness comes and I can’t see light,

Where has it gone?

Falling fast and I can’t stand up,

How can it go on?

I’m waiting,

I’m waiting for you,

I’m crying,

I’m crying to you,

Carry me out of this place,

Help me stand again,

Show me your saving grace,

Rescue me again,

’cause I’m falling,

and I’m calling,

You know that I’m not perfect,

You know that I’m not worth it,

but I’m calling,

’cause I’m falling,

Rescue me again,

Show me your saving grace,

Help me stand again,

Carry me out of this place,

Falling fast and I can’t get up,

Where have you gone?

Talking fast and it won’t shut up,

How can it go on?

I’m waiting,

I’m waiting for you,

I’m crying,

I’m crying to you,

Darkness comes and I can’t see light,

Where has it gone?

Falling fast and I can’t stand up,

How can it go on?

I’m waiting,

I’m waiting for you,

I’m crying,

I’m crying to you,

Falling fast and I can’t stand up,

How can it go on?

Thoughts … not always a comfort… in fact rarely…

A previous thought I had, which I still think is a good one, was;

“I don’t think that it’s actually possible to be yourself. It can’t be possible if you don’t know who you are inside. If you know who you are inside, chances are you’re terrified of yourself.”

I’m afraid of me. I know it.

But what options do I have, I’m afraid of me and I’m afraid of being fake. I have to decide which fear I’m going to overcome.

It’s the question of integrity again, which rowan so conveniently discussed on monday…

When my life on the outside lines up with my life on the inside and all the components of me being are intertwined I will be real, I will have integrity… but hey thats not ever going to happen without god so i think it’s about time i started listening to him again.

Believing, Percieving, Becoming.

I could have killed him, I could have hugged him, I wanted him to say something! Anything! Acknowledge me!!!!!

But it isn’t about me.

It’s not. It can’t be. If it were we all would be doomed.

We talked about character in ethics today, about thinking, feeling and doing. It was frustratingly relevant.

Integrity: When who you are on the outside accurately reflects who you are on the inside. When your doing and your thinking and your feeling are lined up.

The core values of Adrenaline; Faith, Acceptance, Love, Honesty/Truth and Commitment/Dedication.

I would argue that from true faith you will be loving and accepting and dedicated, and from real integrity you will be honest and truthful. But they are all good values, I just wish there were more words….

Thinkers? Feelers? Doers? Who are you? Can you live in the balance?

Rowan asked us to ask ourselves what the question is.

Can anyone comprehend that? What is the question for me today? I’m looking for a coherently constructed question but all i hear is screaming.

Lament and journeying

“You’re an idiot”

Yes I am. I am an idiot, but so is everyone else in the world so idiocy is relative.

I’ve been doing some rather silly and angry things lately. It’s been progressively getting worse over the last three weeks and has seemed to have reached a plateau. Not improved, but not worse. Still scary and uncertain.  

Journeying… fear… aprehension… and prayer… peace and confusion all rolled into one. Am I serious about journeying?

Lament, people felt like they were being forced to feel sad. I think a good heart-break moment once in a while can get people back on track. My question that I didn’t voice was; “God how can you let us be so complacent? How can you stand to let us claim to know and love you and see such pain and brokeness and then not act? How can you stand to watch it?”

I had a revelation today, I haven’t developed my thoughts enough to express it in words just yet. But for now, I am serious about journeying.

I love you but i don’t trust you. It’s truth I love everyone, I just don’t trust them to be who they think they are. If I can’t trust my self to be authentic how can I trust others. And how is it that I can imediately trust certain people regardless of my irrational fears about others. 

Rowan, I am serious about journeying. Today, I looked into myself and I saw me, and I compared it to the outside of me and I seriously tried to align the two at school today, I’m an idiot, but a commited one, can you believe that? Do you ever believe me? Part of you seems to, but I’m not so sure.

today….

I suck.

I have a problem, in my mind, and I can’t fix it on my own… stupid stupid stupid.

Excited amused depressed and confused.

How can I be all those things at once? I think I am confused because I can be excited and depressed at the same time and that makes no sense. I am excited about seeing what Catdoes with Young Life in schools tomorrow I’m amused by my talk on tuesday and I’m depressed about the general nature of man and my own lack of direction amongst it all.

I’m really excited by the whole concept of Young Life… I like the idea of relationships rather than programs… It seems right…

I was so amused at myself with my talk… I began with “contrary to popular belief, or perhaps just in alignment with my own negative self talk, I am not good with words” … I think I’m funny.

Am I?